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Fighting Depression #24 – Stumble, Fall, Get up again. (Also, dieting.)

April 25, 2017
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So, I’ve been applying for jobs over the past several weeks, using LinkedIn and Indeed mostly, applying for some directly on the company’s own sites.  Still tweaking my resume, and just trying to find something interesting (if not actually fun) to do that isn’t too strenuous on my back (or if it were, part time but also paying enough that I could live off of.)

One of the jobs I applied to on Saturday called me early yesterday morning; I was out walking Smiley, so I didn’t get the call.

Oh, for those of you who aren’t in the know, this is Smiley.  She’s a senior (at least 13 years of age, probably more) pit bull that I adopted from the shelter four years ago (the last Sunday of April 2013 she went home with me.)

In fact, here’s the pic I took the day she came home with me, at the end of the work day:


And here’s a recent pic of her:

april 2017 smiley

(As you can see, she’s camera shy.  And, yes, a lot more white in her face.)

But, I digress.

So, I didn’t get their call.  They texted me to inquire if I was interested in a phone interview, I said I was and was available and they called.

I thought it went well.  We discussed the job, the responsibilities, my job history, my skills and predilection to work customer service type jobs.  I was told that my resume would be passed on for review for calling people in for in-person interviews, and if I were selected, that I would receive a call by 5pm that day.

5pm came, went, no call.

It hit me hard.  I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up just because *I* thought the phone interview went well, but I did.  So, I was majorly bummed out.  In a deep funk.

Late last night, finally occurred to me why.

This is only the second interview I’ve EVER had that did not end up with me being hired.  (And my first phone interview.)  Now, granted, my memory is iffy at times, so I’m willing to concede that it might be my third that never resulted in a job… but no more than that.

I guess I interview well.

But, yeah, so I was down, but once I sorted that out in my head, was feeling a little better.  Today’s been working on other stuff, then tomorrow, back to job-search related stuff.


So, I’ve been going to the gym twice a week for the past several weeks.

A few days ago, I started tracking my calories again.

See, back in 2010, last time I was unemployed, I got fat.  252 pounds, the heaviest I’ve ever weighed.  (Caveat – I was 252 in March 2011.  Last time I weighed myself before that was Sep 2010, and I was like 230 pounds then.  Which I’d weighed once before, in 2000.  And in 2000, I lost 30 pounds in about 3 months while working in a high volume kitchen.  So, at the time, I felt it was no worry… but I kept gaining weight, obviously.)

Right now, I’m about 220-225.  (I only weigh myself about once a week.  Weighing myself daily doesn’t do any good.)  I’ll weigh myself either tomorrow or Thurs morning.

But, anyhow.. so, March 2011, I get on the scale, I’m 252 pounds and I freak out.  I’d been going to the gym 2-3 times a week, but doing just basic stuff.  So I got myself in to the gym, talked to a personal trainer, came up with a program, was working out 4 times a week, sometimes 5.

And started counting calories.  Not really cutting out anything, just cutting back on the heavier calorie foods.

Which is what I’ve been doing (mostly; yesterday, feeling bad, kinda didn’t.  Oh, yeah, I’m an emotional eater.  Happy, sad, stressed, wired, depressed, euphoric, don’t matter, I eat.)

Anywho… using FatSecret (website and app) to track things, we’ll see how it goes.


Welp, that’s it for now.  As always, thanks for reading along.


Fighting Depression #16 – One bad day, two good.

March 21, 2017
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So, the past several days have been more good than bad.  As the title indicates, there was one bad day.  That was Saturday.  Saturday… I just couldn’t bring myself to go out and do anything.  I was supposed to go to the gym, but I didn’t.

Instead, I stayed home and meh’d.  Watched tv (really digging Netflix’s Iron Fist show – watched three eps on Friday and two on Saturday) and some wrestling (FloSlam streamed wXw‘s 16 Carat Gold 3-night tournament this past weekend, so that was highly enjoyable.)

And… um… of course, some more videogaming (mostly No Man’s Sky.  I don’t understand the vitriol about the game, I think it’s been damn good, and since the Path Finder update and the subsequent 1.23 patch, it’s even better.  Granted, I never played pre-Foundation update, but if people are still hating based on that, that’s dumb.)

OH!  I tried watching Yoga Hosers.  You know, Kevin Smith’s newest movie, starring his daughter and Johnny Depp’s daughter.  (Apparently, Johnny and Kevin are both in it as well, though I didn’t suffer long enough to see either of them.)

If you’ve been on the fence, let me help you.  Don’t bother.  It’s crap.  Completely insipid and unfunny.  COMPLETELY.

Sunday was much better.  I drove to Lakeland to visit my friends Glenn and Jen, who moved to Florida late last year and finally got around to having a BBQ with a group of people.  It was approximately 2 hours each way, but totally worth it.

It was good to get out, have a little trip, and spend some social time with two good friends and meet some of their friends.  Glenn cooked burgers and dogs and we talked and laughed and enjoyed the sunny, comfortable day.

Came home and tended to my critters and watched the final night of wXw 16 Carat Gold, which was most excellent.

Yesterday, dropped off some movies at the library and then went to the gym.  Got a good workout in (15min on elliptical, some core/lower back exercises, and then a variety of machines working upper and lower body.  About an hour all told.)

Dinner last night was leftover corned beef with potatoes and onions, which was my St Patrick’s Day dinner on Friday.  Cooked in the crock pot, soooooooo good:

031717 corned beef dinner

Today has been good.  Slept in (woke up tired so hit snooze for an hour, seemed to have done the trick), have had a fairly chill start to the day – morning coffee and No Man’s Sky, took Smiley for a walk, had breakfast and watched some IPW:UK wrestling.  Plan for the day – some housework, revisit my budget, some more Iron Fist, work on grocery list and such for tomorrow’s erranding.

I’m a little sore/achy post-workout but nowhere near as bad as last week, so that’s good.

Speaking of Smiley, here’s a picture of her right now.  She’s tuckered out from her walk (and the walks are shorter than they used to be.  She’s an old girl, at least 12, probably closer to 14, years old.  I know she’s not going to be around a whole lot longer…)

032117 sleepy smiley

Fighting Depression #15 – Pretty chill few days

March 17, 2017
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So, the past several days have been lackadaisical.

Actually NOT really because of my depression, which is usually the cause when I have days of doing next to nothing.

As I detailed in my last post, I went to the gym for the first time in over three years.  Now, even though I’ve not been working out since Feb 2014, I’ve been working a physical job.

But not since January 9th.  Since then, I’ve been fairly, no, mostly sedentary.  Sitting around the house, feeling sorry for myself, for the most part.

So, working out on Tuesday KICKED. MY. ASS.

This wasn’t a surprise.  I’ve been there before.  I’ve gone years w/o working out, started working out and hurt for it.  But, damn, did I hurt.

Also, I can be stupid at times (I’m going to blame the depression on that) – it didn’t occur to me until yesterday to use my TENS unit on the sore muscles.  (Like I said, stupid.) That made a big difference.

So, past two days, stayed at home.  Did laundry, dishes, stuff like that, but that’s it.  Smiley and I have been watching tv (The Path on Hulu, Legion on Hulu, Time After Time on Hulu, Lucha Underground which is now on Netflix, NXT), movies (finally saw The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai in the Eighth Dimension), playing video games (No Man’s Sky, Stories: The Path of Destinies, the latter I ‘beat’ on Thursday) – and yes, Smiley’s been watching me play, not playing.  Listening to podcasts (Welcome To Night Vale, Longbox Heroes: After Dark).

Today, feeling much better, I ran some errands (library, grocery run), came home, started corned beef in the crock pot (which has the house smelling soooooo good) and caught up on some chores.

Tomorrow, heading the gym, running more errands.  Sunday, heading to a friend’s house for a BBQ, so it’ll be good to be out and social.

As always, thanks for reading.

Fighting Depression #11 – A week gone by.

March 2, 2017
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(Actually, it’s been eight days since my last post, but ‘a week’ rolls off the tongue mo’ betta.)

So… it’s been a pretty hectic week+.  Well, three of the days were hectic, the other four were recuperating.

As I’ve detailed before, I volunteered with D, someone I know from my time at the shelter (she’s a volunteer there, has been since mid/late 2010), helping her with a fund-raiser she does every year for the races in Daytona.  In the linked post there, I talked about Saturday the 18th, which was the first day.

A week ago today, Feb 23rd, was the second of the four days she needed my help.  (They do five days, but one day isn’t very busy, so it’s just her and one other person.  The other four days it’s the two of them, myself, and D’s brother, R.)  It was also the longest day (but not by much, truthfully… just seemed like it.)

I got up about 8am, showered, took Smiley for her morning constitutional, had my morning coffee, and left the house at 9am.  Swung by the library to drop off a movie, then headed out to her place.  Took her truck to Daytona.

We were there until 7pm.  Parking cars, taking money, socialising with the race fans.  Making sure our reserved parkers got their spots, taking reservations for the rest of the week.  Busy, busy.

It was almost 8pm by time I got home and fed Smiley, then showered and fed myself.  I was beat, my left foot/ankle REALLY didn’t feel too good (and I wasn’t able to find my ankle brace, so I ordered one off Amazon to get delivered on Friday.)

Friday the 24th, I did some grocery shopping and basically took it easy.  Tried to go easy on my foot as much as possible.  Did the usual goofing off (played video games, notably NO MAN’S SKY, which I’m still having a blast with, watched some telly, listened to some music) and minor housework (dishes, laundry.)  Watched EVOLVE 78 on FloSlam, was an enjoyable show.

Saturday the 25thwe had to be there at 8am, so I had to be up about 6:30am.  Earliest I’ve gotten up in almost two months… and hell, longer than that, as my usual wake up time when I was working at the shelter was 7am!

Saturday was fairly busy, but still not a madhouse.  I think Thursday was busier as a whole, though there was more of a later rush on Thursday because it’d been overcast and a little rainy until 4-5pm.  (The Thursday race was a late race, didn’t start until 7pm, I think – about the time we were leaving for the day.)

Saturday started off overcast and breezy and cool, but by 1pm, the sun was out in full force.  It was a good day, but I was BEAT when I got home.  (And more than a bit sunburned.)  It was an afternoon race, so we actually got to leave about 3:30pm.  I stopped at the library on the way home, as a movie I’d reserved was available (MOONRAKER, which is next on my James Bond watch-through, and not available on Amazon Prime like the rest I’ve watched thus far.  Roger Moore isn’t my favourite Bond – in fact, he’s my least favourite – and this movie was god-awful.  I didn’t even finish it.)

Got home about 4:45p, fed Smiley, showered, ate and watched EVOLVE 79 – a fantastic wrestling show, really one of their best yet.  Went to bed early, because Sunday, I had to get up at Stupid O’clock.

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! The day of the Daytona 500.  We got there at 7am… so, yeah, I was up at 5:30am.  I don’t even know when the last time I had to get up that early was.  I think I might’ve been asleep around 11:30pm, certainly before midnight, so I got 5.5+ hours of sleep.

Thank goodness I did.  Sunday was crazy.  I think the best way to sum it up is to post what I shared on social media that afternoon after getting home:

Waking up at Stupid O’clock happened.
Getting dressed happened.
Attending to critters’ needs happened.
Coffee happened.
Driving in darkness (cuz, Stupid O’clock, remember) happened.
Riding happened.
Wisely putting on knee brace happened.
Frustrations (not mine) over stupid people (not me) happened.
Setting up signs happened.
Pancakes happened.
Taking money happened.
Directing cars to be parked happened.
Running happened.
Sweating happened.
Candy happened.
Sunshine happened.
More sweating happened.
Vienna sausages and Starbucks Iced Coffee happened.
Getting people to not park in reserved spaces happened.
Making people happy we could arrange for their buddies/niece/other family to park next/near them happened.
Extra donations happened.
Dealing with other volunteers drama happened.
Bottled water happened.
Candy happened.
More directing cars, correcting cars happened.
Making people laugh happened.
Parking lots filling up happened.
Finding creative ways to park cars happened.
Making peoples’ day happened.
Forgetting to take pills happened.
Realising that pills were left at home happened.
Grateful for someone else having pills happened.
More parking happened.
More candy happened.
Parking lots filled up completely happened.
Ticket scalpers leaving happened.
More cars parked happened.
Cleaning up parking lots happened.
Sitting down happened, briefly.
Breaking down the set up (signs, chairs, coolers, snack tray, trash cans, etc) happened.
Riding in truck happened.
Getting in car and driving home happened.
Diet Pepsi happened.
Getting home happened.
Attending to critters’ needs happened.
Hot shower happened (and, oh, was it glorious…)
Relaxing happened.
Yogurt happened.
(Later, ham steak and mashed taters and salad will happen.)
(Movies will happen.)
(Early bedtime will happen.)

Here’s a pic of me Sunday afternoon, post-shower.  Exhausted, but feeling GREAT.  I was reminded that I am, very much still an extrovert, even though I’ve been acting rather introverted the past year.  Talking to people, helping them have a better experience, laughing/joking and interacting feeds me.  (And scroll down to the bottom of this post for some pics of the parking…)


img_20170226_160225Check out that good looking guy…

Monday/Tuesday, very little happened.  I was in all sorts of pain.  My foot was swollen (still is a little, but going down and hardly hurting any more now), my legs were sore from all the running (seriously, even working a physical/active job at the shelter for years, I have not been that sore/that active in a single day in many, many years.)  Some serious slacking happened those two days.  (Some housework, caught up on laundry, stuff like that.)

Wednesday, finished catching up on laundry (changed sheets, washed the dirty ones), did some more housework (vacuumed carpets, first time in a week+ I’m sure), took Smiley for some longer walks as I was more mobile.  (Not that she does long walks, she’s a senior dog, probably 13 years old, so we do shorter walks as a rule.)

Finished playing Telltale GamesTHE WOLF AMONG US.  Really enjoyed it and like the fact that I’ll be able to go back and play it again with different choices and see how the story goes.  Bigby Wolf is my favourite character from FABLES (no surprise there, right?), so getting to play him was a lot of fun.

Started playing UNCHARTED 4: A THIEF’S END again; I’d played it briefly when I first got my Playstation 4 at Xmas, b/c it was the game that came with the console, but hadn’t played it since.  Such an excellent game, really enjoying this one so far.  (Still playing NO MAN’S SKY, and loving that game a whole lot, too.)

Today, I started the day with some coffee and UNCHARTED 4, then did some yard work.  Not much, b/c my back let me know it’s not happy, but cut down some branches to put out at curbside for yard trash pick up today.

Next couple days, will be doing some more of that, catching up on housework/organising, running some errands, and, yes, playing video games, watching tv/movies and reading.  (You can check out my Goodreads for my book reading/reviews.)   And, since the new gym that I signed up for is open, I’ll probably get my ass out there.

As promised, here’s some pics of the parking.  Doesn’t remotely cover all the parking we had, and I have more pics that I’ll probably edit and share later in a separate post.

Fighting Depression #8 – Peaks and Valleys

February 16, 2017
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So, fighting depression has always been about peaks and valleys, for me.  Past couple days, definitely valleys.

Monday, as I detailed in my last post, I made a fairly big step… now, I know it may not seem like much, calling someone and making plans, but it was for me.  (It’s weird, seeing how I’ve changed b/c of my depression.  I wasn’t like this before… and I’m not like this when things are ‘better’, to be honest.  I mean… I’ve been in riots.  I’ve literally fought for my life… but something as simple as a phone call can be so paralyzing.)

Anyhow, so… bringing you up to speed.

Tuesday, I got ARRIVAL as a free rental (well, used a credit earned, 1 every 10 rentals) from Redbox (it was good, not as great as others seemed to make it out to be, liked the twisty-twist.  Aliens were cool, but fairly unimportant to the actual story, were more plot devices.)

And, other than some minor housework (I vacuumed!), all I pretty much did was play NO MAN’S SKY and dinker about on the internet and watch tv and such.  Mostly play No Man’s Sky.

Wednesday was a little more productive, but not by much.  I ran out and dropped off the movies from the other day.  (Oh, yeah, THE CALLING, which was enjoyable.  I like Susan Sarandon, so there’s that.  And GREYSTOKE: THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, which I haven’t seen in a good twenty years.  I think it’s probably my favourite Tarzan movie, because it focuses on the man and how he interacted with society… or his inability to do so.)

Did some more laundry, did some basic housework.  Um… ate food… took Smiley for walks.  Watched WCPW True Destiny, which I really enjoyed.

Today, planning to stay home, have a couple projects in mind.  Have a plan to limit my gaming, setting an alarm for 30 minutes at a time.  Don’t need to spend 6+ hours a day on one game and getting nothing done at all.  (Hey, I’m allowed to game, but for practical and mental health reasons, I need to make myself stick to things.)

Pain’s been an issue the last couple days, bit more than recently.  Suspect it’s mental as well as physical in nature.

Yay, depression.

Anyhow, it’s 1pm and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet, so I’m off to do that and be productive for a bit.

As always, thanks for reading.

Fighting Depression #7 – kind of a big step?

February 13, 2017
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So, took a step today, one that I’d been planning on for days, and been putting off b/c, well, depression.

Called D, a volunteer at the shelter (that I used to work at and got fired for no apparent reason), to find out if she needed assistance parking cars for the Speedweeks in Daytona.

The company she works at (and is an executive of some sort, been working there for 30+ years) is pretty much across the street from the Daytona Speedway.  Her company takes time off for a good chunk of the Speedweeks (as many business in the area do that don’t rely on the tourism) and they use the parking lots there to charge for parking for the race fans and generate money for a handful of charities.  (I know many businesses in the area do use their parking lots to provide parking-for-pay to the race fans, but I don’t know if many of them donate the money or not.)

So, called her this morning, knowing she’d be unlikely to answer as she was at work, and left a voicemail on her phone, saying I was calling to touch base since we hadn’t spoken since I was fired, as well as to inquire whether she needed assistance for the car parking.

She called back today, to confirm that she did, and she’d be more than happy to have me help them, and we went over the days (there’s five total they do this, she thinks they’ll need me for at least three of the five, if not more.)  Four days next week (Thurs-Sun) and this coming Saturday.

So, plans are made, I’ll be meeting her at her place and then riding over with her, saving me the gas.

This will be the first ‘social’ thing I’ve done since getting fired, outside of going to the shelter to get my personal possessions, get my last paycheck/severance pay, and drop off some paperwork of the shelter’s and other stuff I had at home.  (That’ll be five weeks on Thursday.)

Other than that, my only real social interaction has been talking to people at stores I go to, talking to the people when I signed up at the gym, and online interactions.

Yay, depression.

But, this will be a good thing.  I’m feeling a bit anxious about it, but I’ve committed to Saturday and told her I’m available for as many days as they need me.

Other than that, I ran to the library, dropped off a couple movies, picked up a couple more.  Took items I was returning to Amazon to the post office.  Did laundry.  Played video games, watched tv, walked my dog, did some minor housework.

Dinner was yummy: vegetable/tri-colour rotini, meatballs, spinach florentine red sauce, garlic bread.  It was pretty, see?


Fighting Depression #3 – Not quite the good fight

February 8, 2017
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Accounting for yesterday, Feb 7th:

Really didn’t do so well yesterday.  Got out of the house, briefly (and by “out of the house”, I mean, left the property in my car.  Every day, I leave the house, I even leave my property multiple times to take Smiley for a walk – she’s an old girl and doesn’t go far, but we go around the corner, down a block, and back, most times, so she can sniff some smells, do her business, roll in the grass, stuff like that.) to return the Redbox movie and swing by the library to drop off a book and two movies and pick up two more movies.

Quick movie reviews:

Edge of Winter was good, but as I believe I said previously, the preview that I’d seen really gave away too much, so watching the movie, I’d already known all the big plot points and the rest wasn’t hard to suss out.

Barbershop: The Next Cut.  I couldn’t stick this one out.  I really enjoyed the previous Barbershop movies, but this one… I appreciated the story behind it, the acting was fine, the characters were decent – I think it was more I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it.

Wow, I can’t even remember the other movie.  That’s my depression kicking in, fucking with my memory. FUCK.

Anyhow… um, so yeah, I did get out.

I didn’t do any real housework, other than staying on top of my dishes for the day.

Food wise… breakfast was fried egg/cheese/bacon sammiches; finished off the last slice of pizza from Monster Pizza for lunch; dinner was a chicken patty and cheese on toasted onion bun… and then later I got hungry again, so had a hard boiled egg and cheese sammich.

Played ABZU and completed it.  Very fun game, very beautiful game, but awfully short.

Today, Wednesday, I have a couple shipments arriving.  Most excitably, my tickets for the WWN LIVE “More Than Mania” shows for Wrestlemania weekend.  I bought these last year (August, I think) as a birthday present to myself (cuz I didn’t get any from anyone else, how sad is that…)  9 shows in three days.  I need to come up with some extra spending cash before then, so I can hopefully buy at least a couple shirts each day… but I’m really excited about the shows, and think I’ll make an event-specific post talking about them and that soon.

The other item that’s being delivered, and less “exciting”, but I’m also psyched for, is a portable clothes washer.  This way, I can do my laundry at home and not have to go to the laundromat.  Once that gets here, I’ll be using that for the rest of the day.  (The dryer came on Sunday, so I hand-washed a load of essentials, to get me through today, and used it to dry them.  It’s silly how exciting this is to me.)

Enough rambling for now.  Thanks for reading along.  Please feel free to comment.

(This is post three of the Fighting Depression series.)

The Bestest Boy In The Whole Wide World

January 14, 2012
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When I first started working at the shelter, we had a former bait dog named Slim. Slim came to the shelter as a puppy. He was nearly dead, and was not expected to make it through the night. He was a pit bull puppy, I don’t know how old, but not a year, I think somewhere between 3 and 6 months. (He was at the shelter several years before I started there.) My director and her husband took him home and he made it through the night. Every day they’d come to work, they’d bring him with them (and his wounds needed constant tending) and my director’s husband, who is 6′ tall and 380#, would crawl into the not huge kennel and lay down and curl around the puppy as he laid on his blanket, and talk to him and tell him he was loved. To this day, they swear that had Gary not done that, they do not believe Slim would have lived.

Slim never got adopted – he was too unsure around so many people, and there was no way he could be in a house with other dogs. The first day that I worked there, the day I met Slim, he greeted me with such a nasty, furious growl and bark that I thought “now there’s a mean dog”. Later that day, I was scooping feces out of the kennels and I had to do his. I stepped in, prepared to offer him my boot (so that he could attack it and not harm me, while I cleaned up his kennel) and he looked at me with those big eyes, and I said, “Hi, Slim” and his tail started a-wagging so much his whole body was wagging. From that day on we were best of friends. He passed away several years ago, ultimately because of the trauma he’d suffered as a puppy – there was irreparable damage to his organs that shortened his lifespan. He’s buried at the shelter, behind the dog kennels, and we placed a dog house on top that reads ‘Slim’s House’. I still talk to him, when I walk by.

I have a special name or title for each of my favourite critters. Slim’s was “The Bestest Boy In The Whole Wide World”, and he was and always will be. (Gonna go dry my eyes now.)

(This post and thoughts of my Bestest Boy In The Whole Wide World came about after seeing this short video on Duke, a rescued bait dog)


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