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Fighting Depression #20 – Plummeting down

April 7, 2017
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This shouldn’t have surprised me, and I guess it’s only the depth/intensity of it that did… after the AMAZING weekend, the darkness welled up inside me again and I’ve spent the past several days being completely unproductive.

I didn’t shower yesterday… which, again, is a pretty good sign that I’m down in the funk.  I haven’t vacuumed all week, again, another sign.  (Going to do that as soon as I finish this post.)

Haven’t filed for unemployment (working on that this weekend.)  Haven’t listed anything on eBay or Amazon to sell (need to start that too.  Need money, bad.)

The worst part is, I sit there and know I need to do stuff.  I know it.  And I just… don’t.

Feeling a little better today.  Gonna do some housework, might even go mow the lawn.  (In a lot of pain today, so we’ll see – housework is a bigger priority for my mental health.)  Today is a cool day, which is helping my spirits (I’m VERY much affected by the weather, but I’m the opposite of those who get the Winter Blues – hot days are miserable to me, physically AND emotionally/mentally.)

It’s a vicious cycle.  I get unproductive, don’t do what I should be doing, and I start to beat myself up for it and it just makes things worse inside my head… the compounding interest of depression and self-recrimination is a motherfucker.

Okay, enough whining.  I need to vacuum the carpet and make breakfast.  (Oh, yeah, I didn’t get up until 11:30am, because, even though I was in bed/lights out by 2:45am, I tossed and turned for over and hour and then I was awake again at 5am, 6:20am, 8something, 10something and finally 11:30amish, which I dragged my ass out of bed.

As always, thanks for reading.  I can’t imagine this is fun.

Fighting Depression #19 – Crazy fun weekend

April 3, 2017
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So, if you follow this blog or any of my social media, you know I attended a bunch of wrestling shows this weekend.  I was planning on 12 shows in a five day period, but wussed out and only (only, he says) did TEN in a four day period.  (It was great fun and I loved every minute, but it was a bit much for me.  I’ve been fairly reclusive, not just for the past three months, but really for about a year now.)

I’m not going to get into details of the shows here, as I know most of you reading probably aren’t wrestling fans.  I’ll just leave it that I got to see some amazing shows, got to see a LOT of people I’d never seen live before, more than a few on my “bucket list” of Wrestlers To See Live.

I also got to meet some awesome people:

Paul and Yael (of the Wrestling In Florida blog), two very nice people that I didn’t get to spend enough time talking to sadly. 😦  But, they’re Florida-folk, so I have high hopes that our paths will cross again sometime and I fully intend to take up more of their time then, if they’ll let me.

Michael, whom I’ve been interacting on Twitter for the past year or so, and his entourage – Lauren, Seth, Charlie, Erik, Adam and a couple others whose names escape me.  (I blame my depression – the past year, I’ve REALLY begun to have some memory-retention issues.)  A bunch of very cool folk that I got to spend time with over the four days and enjoyed the banter, the random conversations, the wrestling-talk and other-life talk… and of course, Shark Sabre Jr.

Also, all the people I talked to sitting at the shows, waiting between shows, wandering around… so many cool people from so many different places.  I love meeting people and talking to people… just, apparently, I can only handle so much of it nowadays.  (Used to be I could have done it for weeks straight and not been overwhelmed.  Things change, I guess.)

And, of course, the wrestlers and staff.  Too many to name them all, but I gotta single out a few – Trevin Adams and Kyle Schneider of WWN Live, both of whom always take a moment out of their crazy, busy time to shake hands and chat a few, something I appreciate.  MSL, a very fun guy to talk to in the hall between shows, someone I always enjoy on screen/on commentary.  Keith Lee and Space Monkey, who were great fun to chat with while browsing/buying their t-shirts.

To everyone I’ve named, and those I haven’t, again, I thank you greatly.  I can’t put into words just how much this weekend meant to me, on a mental level.

Now, it’s time to hunker down and try to find a fucking job.  This week, I’m filing for unemployment and starting the job search.  Probably means I’ll have to shave my head, as mohawks aren’t exactly the best fit for most jobs, but there you have it.

As always, I thank you for reading.

Fighting Depression #18 – Fighting, fighting.

March 30, 2017
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The past several days have been busy.  Mentally busy, trying to juggle money and make ends meet.  Mentally busy, struggling with stress/anxiety over money and the week (well, five days) of wrestling craziness that started last night.  (Yes, wrestling is one of my biggest joys and seeing TWELVE live shows in a five day period is a BIG DEAL and important and something to be glad for, but it’s also a little nerve-wracking.)

I keep revisiting my budget notes.  I have money to pay bills.  I’m ok.  But I keep stressing over it.  So I have to keep reminding myself that I AM OKAY.

Next week, I’m (finally, yes) filing for unemployment.  Next week, I start looking for a job.  I’ve had almost 3 months to myself, to feel sorry for myself, to rage against the universe for how I was unfairly deprived of a job I loved (well, I loved working with the animals and helping find good homes for them, but there were also things about it I wasn’t crazy about; in retrospect, all things considered, it was a good job.  I mean, I was there for the best part of twelve years.)

But, for the rest of the week, it’s going to be fun.  Last night was the inaugural Punk Pro Wrestling (here’s their twitter) show, which I really enjoyed.  Lots of indie guys that I’d never seen before (more than a couple that I’d never even heard of before), and a bunch that I knew well/seen in person before, too.

(Yesterday afternoon, I was pretty much battling depression, had to actually argue with myself to go ahead and go.  And, totally glad that I did.)

The crowd was fun, met up with one of my fellow wrestling enthusiasts from Twitter and his entourage.  Good times.  Tonight, more good times.

I’ll be posting some wrestling-specific posts, probably next week, covering the events in more detail.  Also, will be working on a couple less detailed posts for another site.

Again, thank you for reading, whomever you are.

Fighting Depression #17 – NOT the good fight.

March 26, 2017
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The past four days have been really bad.  I’m stressing out over money, stressing out over everything, and doing the ostrich-head-in-the-sand thing.

Really, haven’t done much… sit around, play video games, watch telly/movies/wrestling.  Eat.  Take Smiley for walks.  Took showers most days (missed one.)

Yesterday, started to realise how bad I’d been.  Instead of beating myself up over it, decided I was going to have a good evening and then some productive days.

This week, starting Wednesday, and running through next Sunday, I’ll be seeing twelve wrestling shows in the Orlando area.  Next Sunday is Wrestlemania, and every year, a butt-load of wrestling shows and seminars and Q&A/Meet and Greets go to where Wrestlemania is happening and put on shows.  This year, Wrestlemania is in Orlando.

I bought a ticket package from WWN Live last Summer (early Fall?) when they released the tickets.  That’s eleven of the twelve shows right there, and then I bought a ticket for a new company earlier this year.

So, I’m excited for that, but also feeling sorry for myself b/c I don’t have the money I would have (I had money saved up for the occasion, but I’ve been using that money to help pay bills the last couple months, and it’s pretty much gone) to spend on shirts and merchandise to support the wrestlers and companies.

But, today, I found a way to take some credit I had and turn it into cash, so that will help with bills for next month.  Next week, I’ll be applying for Reemployment Assistance (unemployment) and start looking for a job.  (I didn’t want to be looking for a job and have to tell people I couldn’t start until the first week of April, and there’s no way I’m missing these shows.  This is a big fucking deal to me.)

I’ve sold a couple-few things, mostly directly to friends, to generate some cash to help pay the bills.  This week, I need to get off my ass and start listing stuff on eBay and Amazon.  I’ll probably list some stuff here, too.  (Will definitely be linking to my listings on here as well.)

It’s just… it’s so fucking frustrating.  Putting 12.5 years in at a job, giving my blood, sweat and tears to them, being the one person they could ALWAYS rely on, and then being cast aside with no reason given.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  Not as bad as it did, but it hurts.

But, this week is going to be fucking awesome.  It’s going to be one of the most fun weeks of my life.  I’ll be posting about it (mostly well after the fact), though I’m sure I’ll be tweeting sporadically during/between the shows.

I work best under pressure, so I think things’ll turn out ok.  Trying not to stress over it.

As always, thanks to anyone reading.

Fighting Depression #16 – One bad day, two good.

March 21, 2017
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So, the past several days have been more good than bad.  As the title indicates, there was one bad day.  That was Saturday.  Saturday… I just couldn’t bring myself to go out and do anything.  I was supposed to go to the gym, but I didn’t.

Instead, I stayed home and meh’d.  Watched tv (really digging Netflix’s Iron Fist show – watched three eps on Friday and two on Saturday) and some wrestling (FloSlam streamed wXw‘s 16 Carat Gold 3-night tournament this past weekend, so that was highly enjoyable.)

And… um… of course, some more videogaming (mostly No Man’s Sky.  I don’t understand the vitriol about the game, I think it’s been damn good, and since the Path Finder update and the subsequent 1.23 patch, it’s even better.  Granted, I never played pre-Foundation update, but if people are still hating based on that, that’s dumb.)

OH!  I tried watching Yoga Hosers.  You know, Kevin Smith’s newest movie, starring his daughter and Johnny Depp’s daughter.  (Apparently, Johnny and Kevin are both in it as well, though I didn’t suffer long enough to see either of them.)

If you’ve been on the fence, let me help you.  Don’t bother.  It’s crap.  Completely insipid and unfunny.  COMPLETELY.

Sunday was much better.  I drove to Lakeland to visit my friends Glenn and Jen, who moved to Florida late last year and finally got around to having a BBQ with a group of people.  It was approximately 2 hours each way, but totally worth it.

It was good to get out, have a little trip, and spend some social time with two good friends and meet some of their friends.  Glenn cooked burgers and dogs and we talked and laughed and enjoyed the sunny, comfortable day.

Came home and tended to my critters and watched the final night of wXw 16 Carat Gold, which was most excellent.

Yesterday, dropped off some movies at the library and then went to the gym.  Got a good workout in (15min on elliptical, some core/lower back exercises, and then a variety of machines working upper and lower body.  About an hour all told.)

Dinner last night was leftover corned beef with potatoes and onions, which was my St Patrick’s Day dinner on Friday.  Cooked in the crock pot, soooooooo good:

031717 corned beef dinner

Today has been good.  Slept in (woke up tired so hit snooze for an hour, seemed to have done the trick), have had a fairly chill start to the day – morning coffee and No Man’s Sky, took Smiley for a walk, had breakfast and watched some IPW:UK wrestling.  Plan for the day – some housework, revisit my budget, some more Iron Fist, work on grocery list and such for tomorrow’s erranding.

I’m a little sore/achy post-workout but nowhere near as bad as last week, so that’s good.

Speaking of Smiley, here’s a picture of her right now.  She’s tuckered out from her walk (and the walks are shorter than they used to be.  She’s an old girl, at least 12, probably closer to 14, years old.  I know she’s not going to be around a whole lot longer…)

032117 sleepy smiley

Fighting Depression #15 – Pretty chill few days

March 17, 2017
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So, the past several days have been lackadaisical.

Actually NOT really because of my depression, which is usually the cause when I have days of doing next to nothing.

As I detailed in my last post, I went to the gym for the first time in over three years.  Now, even though I’ve not been working out since Feb 2014, I’ve been working a physical job.

But not since January 9th.  Since then, I’ve been fairly, no, mostly sedentary.  Sitting around the house, feeling sorry for myself, for the most part.

So, working out on Tuesday KICKED. MY. ASS.

This wasn’t a surprise.  I’ve been there before.  I’ve gone years w/o working out, started working out and hurt for it.  But, damn, did I hurt.

Also, I can be stupid at times (I’m going to blame the depression on that) – it didn’t occur to me until yesterday to use my TENS unit on the sore muscles.  (Like I said, stupid.) That made a big difference.

So, past two days, stayed at home.  Did laundry, dishes, stuff like that, but that’s it.  Smiley and I have been watching tv (The Path on Hulu, Legion on Hulu, Time After Time on Hulu, Lucha Underground which is now on Netflix, NXT), movies (finally saw The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai in the Eighth Dimension), playing video games (No Man’s Sky, Stories: The Path of Destinies, the latter I ‘beat’ on Thursday) – and yes, Smiley’s been watching me play, not playing.  Listening to podcasts (Welcome To Night Vale, Longbox Heroes: After Dark).

Today, feeling much better, I ran some errands (library, grocery run), came home, started corned beef in the crock pot (which has the house smelling soooooo good) and caught up on some chores.

Tomorrow, heading the gym, running more errands.  Sunday, heading to a friend’s house for a BBQ, so it’ll be good to be out and social.

As always, thanks for reading.

Fighting Depression #14 – Lots of words and pictures.

March 14, 2017
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Okay, so, last week.  I posted on Wednesday, basically saying I’d not gotten much done during the week and kinda feeling bad about it.  Then, I posted an addendum, to show that I’d forgotten about some productivity I had.  Cuz, I forget things.  A lot.  (In fact, that’s one of the reasons I’m keeping this blog, is so I can look back and see for myself.)

Yay, depression.

So… Thursday of last week, I went up on the roof and did some cleaning.  I’ve not been up on the roof since late April 2015.  So, as you can imagine, there was a bit of cleaning to do.  I’d actually gone up there on Wednesday and pulled some of the branches off that had fallen during Hurricane Matthew, back in October.

Here’s a couple pics of the roof, beforehand:

So, I got up there with my blower and went to town.  Lots of twigs were buried in the leaves, so plenty of stopping and pulling them out and tossing them down to the ground and continuing.  I was up there for an hour-ish, all told.

Now, I’m not good with heights.  Years ago, going up there would’ve had me trembling and all sorts of anxious.  In fact, the first four years or so that I owned the house, I didn’t go up there, not once.

Working at the shelter, I decided I was going to make myself confront this issue.  At the shelter, there were several buildings and leaves collected there frequently, so I started going up there and blowing them down.  As much as it made me nervous, I went up and I did it.  Over and again.  (Y’know, 3 times a year or so, as needed.)

After a while, I got much better about it.  I’m still a little leery, but I’m not afraid any more.  So, being up there was kinda cool.  A reminder of what I’ve overcome.

Right now… this phase… having been fired for no reason (at least none given), I’m feeling pretty useless.  Ineffective.  Incompetent, even.  It’s not helping I’ve let my depression get the best of me and I’ve tapped my savings and all that. So… that reminder, that was a good thing.  (This is another reason I’m journaling in this blog – to help show myself, and anyone reading, that I’m not useless/ineffective/incompetent.  Make sense?)

So.  I did an hour or so up there,  loving being up there and being (99%) comfortable.  It was nice and breezy and not hot and I loved it.

This is the after pics:

Feeling pretty good about that.  🙂

Also, I started blowing off the carport roof.  It’s the furthest area from the camera in the left hand pic above.  I’ve never cleaned off the roof of the carport.  Not once.  I’ve owned my house for 16 years and 4 months and 13 days, and never once have I cleaned it off.  So, there’s a LOT of leaves and dirt and even those little fern-like plants growing in said dirt.

Which means that’s a project that’s going to take a bit more work.  But as the pic below shows, I think I am off to a good start:

030917 carport top after

The plan is to go back up on the roof either tomorrow or Thursday, and do some more cleaning up there – focusing on the carport area.

That brings us to Friday… Saturday… Sunday.  I pretty much didn’t do a whole lot.  I think I stayed home pretty much all three days, except to run some movies to the library that were due on Sunday.  Oh, and I ran to the store to pick up a few groceries on Saturday.  But, other than that, I was home and I didn’t accomplish a whole lot.

I was mostly stressed over something that I had to deal with… and stressing that some minor little thing might bite me in the ass in a serious way.  I refer to it in yesterday’s post (and, yes, I’m being intentionally vague, and that’s not going to change.)

I was grateful that there were three WWN Live branded wrestling shows airing live on FloSlam to take my mind off things.  Friday was SHINE 41, Saturday was ACW: Luck of the Irish and Sunday was Style Battle 3.  All three shows were good, but SB3 was one of the best shows I’ve seen in a while.

Even so, Sunday night was hell.  I stayed up until almost 4:30am and slept for shit for the 5.5 hours I was in bed.

Got up at 10am, left the house around 11am, drove to Daytona to deal with stuff, found out that I had to come back 90 minutes later, so I drove to the mall that I used to work back in the 1990s, the Volusia Mall.  (I worked at Waldenbooks from Sep 1991-Mar 1998, as an assistant manager for the last five of those years.)

Daytona was really busy, as it’s Bike Week, which I totally just didn’t realise or I did and forgot.  I was amused by this posted sign on the side of the main drag, about half a block before the actual Daytona Speedway, where the races are held:

031317 daytona ride quietly

Yeah, like that sign did any good…

Got to the mall, went to the only bookstore in there, Books A Million (which was not there when I worked in the mall.  There was us and a B Dalton’s, though that closed a few years ago.  I browed BAM for about 20-25 minutes, then walked the rest of the mall, trying to see what was familiar, what was new or different.  (I’ve not been in the mall for a good five years, possibly closer to seven.)

This storefront is where my store used to be.  Kinda made me sad.

031317 my old storefront

Finished walking the mall and still had almost half an hour to go.  So, I went for a circuitous route through Daytona to get back to where I needed to be, and arrived pretty much when I wanted to.  Did the thing, and all was well.

After that, I treated myself to lunch, but you’ll have to refer to yesterday’s post to see the pic of the yumminess that was had.

After I got home yesterday, I just chilled/relaxed for the rest of the day.  I was exhausted and relieved and it was good.  Went to bed about midnight, slept until 8:30am this morning, best sleep I had in days.

Today, went to the gym for the first time in over three years.  Felt good to go.  I did 20 minutes on the stationary bike (5.38 miles including the 2min cool down after the 20min, but I hit 5 miles about 19:20), then did some upper body machines.  Talked to Caleb, one of the personal trainers there, and he helped me with some exercises to work on my core and strengthen my back (for those new to me, I have scoliosis, so that’s important.)

Was a good experience, feel accomplished.  Also feel sore, am pretty sure I’m going to be achy tomorrow!

So, yeah, that’s it, that brings us current.  As always, thanks for reading along.  Feel free to share any thoughts!

Fighting Depression #13 – Owning it.

March 13, 2017
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I’m not remotely in the right frame of mind to do a catch-up post on the last week.

This week has been good at times and hell for me, at others.

I’m ok.

I’m more than ok.  I owned it.

I had to deal with something, something that’s a part of the repercussions for actions and choices I made in the past.  This isn’t anything new.

But, I was afraid.  I was afraid that a slight little thing might bite me in the ass.  And, this past weekend, that fear ate away at me.  It got me fairly worked up.

Or, perhaps I allowed it.  But I didn’t allow it, I fought that fear with logic with rational thinking, arguing the anxiety with facts.

I won’t say I won, but the fear didn’t win either.

Today, I went and did the thing and there wasn’t any apocalypse.  Everything seems to be ok.  Everything I feared, it didn’t happen.

To be fair, there’s a little voice in the back of my head saying, “Just because nothing happened today…” but I’m not letting it get to me.

I owned that bitch today.

And, then, because I deserved it, I took myself out to lunch at Honeybaked Ham.  I had me a delicious lunch and came home.  See that beauty?

031317 honeybaked ham

That’s a Tavern Club sandwich, oatmeal raisin cookie, tropical fruit salad and half mango/half sweet tea.

Tomorrow, I intend to get a post recapping the good stuff that happened this week.

As always, thanks for reading along.

Fighting Depression 12A – short addendum

March 8, 2017
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See, THIS is why I’m keeping this journal/blog about my depression in this fairly rough patch of time for me.

Because I forget things.  Earlier today, I posted and said that I’d not done much at all the past couple days, couldn’t think of anything of note.

But, I did do something, and I need to try to remember things and stop beating myself up over things so much.  (yay, depression)


This is the curbside in front of my house.  This pic is taken from earlier today.  The piles are mostly stuff I did before today (a few of those limbs are from the roof, which I went up on and threw them off of today, but the palm fronds and about half of those branches/limbs, those were done over the past five days or so.)

I don’t think the pic captures how much there are, either.  Those palm fronds were two full double-arm loads for me (and, for those of you who haven’t met me in person – I’m 6’2″ with a 6’5″ wingspan.)  And the branches/etc, a good load and a half if not two.

So, yeah, I’ve not been quite the slacker-bum I felt like.

Boo yah!

Fighting Depression #12 – Ups and Down

March 8, 2017

Been another six days since my last post in this series.  Since then, been kinda busy some days, been super slacky some days.

Last Thursday, I treated myself to seeing DOCTOR STRANGE on the big screen at the $2 Theatre – you can read my post and my thoughts about it here.  It was a decent day, started the day with yard work and video gaming and coffee, the afternoon was movie and Burger King, then the evening was mostly chilling at home.

I was still hurting from the super-physical days doing the volunteering for the parking (best detailed in the link to my last post), so I haven’t been to the gym yet.  Honestly, it wasn’t until this past Sunday, one whole week later, that I was able to walk without limping/favouring my left foot.  I intend to make it to the gym tomorrow or Friday for my first visit, and then get into a regular schedule, three or four days a week.  (I’ll have to start slow/easy and work up to things.)

Trying to think what I’ve done these past few days – I know yesterday I basically sat on my ass and played NO MAN’S SKY all day.  Did a little (very little) housework here and there, took Smiley for a couple walks, and that’s really about it.  Oh, watched S1E9 of EMERALD CITY (still liking it, have my doubts whether it’ll get renewed.  I know the next episode is the end of season one, so hopefully we’ll hear soon – and hopefully it’ll be picked up for a second season.  I think it has a lot of potential.)

I’ve watched a few movies, read some books, just nothing really exciting going on.  Did a grocery run in there.

Today, I’ve been pretty productive.  Got up on the roof and cleared off some branches that had fallen during Hurricane Matthew in October.  I need to get up there with my blower and get all the leaves off, but that’s a project for another day.

Also, this happened today, so that’s kinda exciting:


What is so exciting about this, you ask?  The washer is brand new, got delivered today.

Story time…

I haven’t had a (working) washer/dryer in my house since… I wanna say 2003.  When I bought the house in Nov 2000, my uncle Roy and my father came over and put in wiring for a dryer.  I got one of those stackable washer/dryer combos (still in my back laundry room – the pic you see is in the back ‘patio’) and used it for several years.

I don’t recall exactly when, but I know by 2004, I was using a laundromat.  In March 2003, my father died, so it was probably some time after that the wiring burned out.  Instead of having someone come look at it, I just started using laundromats or other people’s washer/dryers.

For the past almost six years, I was doing my laundry at the shelter.  So, when I got fired in January, that stopped.  I did a laundromat run, and felt that I could save money by getting a small apartment/portable washer and dryer for the house.

So, I did.  The dryer, pictured above, is a 2.65 cubit feet Panda portable 110v dryer that I bought through Amazon.  I needed a 110v unit, cuz no working 220v wiring, and this is great – it’s small and it takes a lot longer to do a load than a full size, but it works well.

I’d also originally bought a Panda Counter Top Small Portable Compact Washing Machine (10 lbs Capacity)  to go with it.  This isn’t bad, but it doesn’t have a spin feature, so the clothes are REALLY wet when you take them out – way wetter than that little dryer can handle in remotely a reasonable amount of time.  Seriously, it took 4-5 hours to dry four shirts.

So, I bought a laundry drying rack.  The only issue with this is that I have no real clear sunshine in the back yard (too many trees), so I have to stick it out in the driveway to get the sun.  And, while I’ve been doing that for a month now, I’m not all that keen on it.  (Basically, I’d wash the clothes, wring them out, put them on the drying rack, and then, after an hour or so, throw them in the dryer with a fabric softener cloth to finish the job.)

The other issue is that the small washer just doesn’t do a good rinse.  I’d empty the water out, fill again, run a rinse cycle, and it’d be soapy afterwards.  Empty/fill/rinse again, and still so.  Reduce the amount of laundry soap even further, and still soapy.  So I’d have to hose off the laundry after taking out of the washer.  (And, beyond it being an inconvenience and using just as much, if not more, water than a full-size washer, I have to be careful because I have allergies to all sorts of chemicals – I buy the free and clear version of laundry soap, but even if there’s soap residue dried in, my skin can react poorly.)

So, long story short (too late), I bit the bullet and got a proper washer.  Delivered earlier today, I installed it myself, and I’ve run two loads (a small load of shirts/underwear, now currently in the dryer) and a floor mat (which is too heavy when wet for the little dryer, period, so it’s on the laundry rack drying in the sun.)

Feels good to have a more proper set up in the house.  I still want to get a better dryer, but that’s for down the road.  (I want to get a natural gas one, as I have natural gas for the house – my water heater runs off it.  But, again, that’s not going to happen any time soon.)

Anyhow, going to do some dishes and then I think I’ve earned some sit down and gaming time.

As always, I thank you for reading.

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