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Fighting Depression #31 – Things are going pretty well right now.

July 1, 2017
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The new job is good, but very demanding/taxing.  Working overtime most days, so away from the house half a day, and when I’m home, I’m exhausted/beat.

(Four day weekend for the holiday right now, so that’s rather exciting.  Conversely, we’ll be working next Saturday, so that week we’ll only have a one day weekend.  Bah.  I think it’s funny, considering that I had what amounts to a five and third month long weekend for the first half of the year.)

The work is interesting enough – I’m officially a “Press Line Operator” or a “Machine Operator” (I’ve seen my title referred to as both.)  I’ve been trained on nine machines (flatteners, stakers, piercer/deburrers, knurlers), and as of this past week, I’ve also been trained and spending about half my time in the wash station (which I refer to as the “dish pit”, as it strongly reminds me of that.)

The work is hot (especially in the dish pit) – temperatures of 100F plus are common.  (Our shift starts at 3pm, and since 3-6 is generally the warmest part of the day, it tends to get cooler as the shift goes on, fortunately.  Days where it rains makes a huge difference, too.)  But I don’t really mind hot work; there’s plenty of fans, so it’s (mostly) tolerable.  (And, depending on the temperature, we are eligible for extra breaks in the air conditioned break rooms.)

The work is physical, especially in the dish pit (lifting baskets/dumping them in in the machine, reloading, etc, plus another part of the job is ferrying stacks to their next stop.)  I don’t mind physical, but after 5+ months of a mostly sedentary life, it’s taking a bit to get used to.  The past couple days seemed to be less taxing, so we’ll see how it continues.

The people I work with are very cool, for the most part.  I’ve gotten friendly with a few folks already, and everyone else ranges from politely aloof to cordial.

I’m being paid several dollars an hour more than at the shelter (no surprise, this is a big corporation vs a small non-profit that really didn’t appreciate its workforce), but I’m in a higher tax bracket, so not bringing home quite as much more as you’d think.  (Still, with the overtime, I’ll have brought home in two weeks what I’d have brought home in 2/3rds of a month from the shelter.  This will greatly help in catching up on the debt I’ve accrued this year.)

Being busy and productive and bringing in cash and being social is very good for me, mentally.  It’s keeping my depression/issues fairly quiet for the time being.  Doubts and fears and such are still there, but the voices are drowned out by everything else going on, at least for the time being.

Here’s hoping this trend continues.

As always, thank you for reading along.


Fighting Depression #30 – Hey, I started my new job…

June 19, 2017
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So, as anyone following knows, the biggest thing that’s defined this year is my being fired from the non-profit no-kill animal shelter that I bled, sweated and shed tears over for the past twelve-plus years.  (I won’t go into the long, detailed story again, but for those who are newer and/or don’t know the story of me and the shelter, I wrote about it in detail two months ago.)

I started a new job today.  It’s “temp-to-hire”, but I’m hoping that I’m able to prove myself and turn it into a permanent hire position before long.

Today was orientation, so that meant a morning meeting with HR and several other new hires, and then most of the rest of the day taking tests on the computer.  The last couple hours, I sat in on the beginning of the shift meeting for the department/team I’ll be starting with, and was walked around and given the grand tour and explained many policies and introduced to a bunch of people by my team leader, Linda.

Tomorrow, I begin actually being part of the crew/team/department (not sure their term for it – team, I’m thinking, but I’m uncertain.)  Excited, a bit anxious.  There’s a lot for me to learn; it’s manufacturing, and while I have had a job in that field before, it wasn’t this particular type of manufacturing.

And, of course, depression/anxiety is having me second guess everything and beat myself up… yay.  But, I’m doing my best to ignore that, battle those thoughts with positive ones.

So, onward and upward, right?

(As always, thank you for reading.)


Fighting Depression #29 – I’m still here!

June 9, 2017
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So, 15 days gone by, not a post from me.  (sheepish grin)

Let’s see… quick recap, bullet points style!

  • I’m still unemployed.  Still collecting unemployment (“ReEmployment Assistance” in Florida.)  Still putting out applications left and right (minimum required to be on RA is 5/week, I’m exceeding that every week.)
  • I have a job interview next week; I’m nervous as fuck about it.  I did a phone interview, and then an online assessment and now the next step is in-person interview.  This would be a cool job, I think, and it’s 2nd shift (I’m so not a morning person, so that’s a good thing) and it’s manufacturing, so the pay should be more than I was making.  (And, while I’m not really about money, I do like being able to pay bills and the like… plus I’ve accrued some extra debt doing the jobless thing the past five months.)
  • Technically, tomorrow will be five months from when I found out that I was being fired for no reason.  (Yes, I’m still bitter about that.  Even though, from things I hear, I think it’s a good thing I’m not there any more.  Let’s just say, standards have fallen.)
  • I’m scraping by, I’m managing.  Selling stuff online and making some here and there, finding some money I had squirreled away in an envelope three years ago and completely forgot about helps.  I’m starting to look into other avenues should the ReEmployment Assistance run out before I find a job, and there are avenues.
  • Been going to the gym, twice a week most weeks (there was a ten day stretch between visits a couple weeks ago, so that wasn’t good.)  I’m thinking about boosting it three times a week.  Better for my weight loss (which is happening, been about a pound a week most weeks), better for my mental health, too.
  • Saw two new release movies, one last week, one this week.  Last week was ALIEN: COVENANT (I enjoyed it, it wasn’t great, but it was fun) and this week was WONDER WOMAN (oh, so very awesome, loved it.)  I paid $6 to see both of them (did a blood donation a couple weeks ago, and got a $10 Gift Card to EPIC THEATRES.  On Tuesdays, it’s “Discount Day”, shows are $6, $8 on the XL Screen – and, trust me, superhero and scifi movies are MUCH better on that bigger screen.  So worth the extra $2.)
  • I have good, productive days and I have bad days.  Time is starting to get tighter in regards to a steady income (such that it is), so I’m going to have to force myself to have more good, productive days.  I have a plan for the weekend and even early next week.  Plans and lists are tools that help me stay on track, or get back on track when I derail.

So, that’s it, in a nutshell.  Pretty much a holding pattern/same-old, same-old the past few weeks.  Hopefully, this coming week brings good news, but if not, then I’ve got to go into overdrive.  While I’m waiting for that, working on things, looking into avenues, the like.

As always, I thank you for reading.


Fighting Depression #27 – I’m okay.

May 22, 2017
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(Quick plug: I still am selling personal items to help pay bills while seeking employment.  If you like DVDs and Blu Rays, please check out this post.  If you like games – roleplaying, tabletop or PS4, check out this post.)

I’m okay.  (It’s been eleven days since my last post, so you might be wondering…)

I’m not great.  I’m still unemployed.  I still have days where… I just lose myself for a bit.  I’m still a little overwhelmed most of the time, and a lot overwhelmed on occasion.

I’m not horrible.  I’m paying (most of) the bills.  I have a buffer, thanks to the ReEmployment Assistance (though that’s going to run out, it’s not a long-term thing – I’m almost at the halfway point now.)  I have food in my stomach, a roof over my head.  My critters are healthy and happy.  I’m mostly healthy, I believe, and there are times i’m happy.

There have been several screening interviews for jobs (mostly by phone, one in-person.)  There’s been an actual in-person interview/skills test.  They didn’t say how soon to expect a call if I got hired… and I get the sense that it’s not unreasonable to not have heard from them just yet, so there’s still a chance, I’m thinking.

I’m lonely.  I can’t afford to go places on a regular basis that might help me meet or interact with people.  (That being said, I’m likely going to go see a couple movies this week – last week, I donated blood and got a $10 gift card for the local theatre, and tomorrow is their Discount Day, so I’m intending to go see Alien: Covenant… and I got a free screening pass for Wonder Woman on Wednesday.)

I really crave some intimacy with someone, too.  And, really, there’s no way I’m a “catch” right now.  I’m a mess, my life is a mess, my house is a mess.

I’m frustrated with life right now.  Last year, I enacted a plan to Make Things Better.  I budgeted better, got caught up on payments, improved my credit.  Even with the extra weeks’ worth of work I missed last year (and didn’t make up), I was able to do all that.

I had a plan for this year – my five day wrestling weekend was going to involve a hotel room local to the venue (I actually had money saved up for that, but that was used to pay bills to get me through until after said wrestling weekend), and then the rest of the year, the game plan was getting a new(?) car and doing some home improvement projects.

So, yeah.

But, I’m okay.  I.  AM.  OKAY.  I’m not (yet) in danger of losing the house, of being homeless, etc.  I still have time, I still have options.  I need to refocus and tuck my chin and charge through that wall.

I have a reputation.

(Well, I have MANY reputations.  Sadly, most of them are based in truth.)

But, I have a reputation.  I am considered a bit of a force of nature when it comes to my stubborn (some will say bull-headed) nature

So, maybe I need to tap into that and get shit done.


Fighting Depression #25 – A little good news goes a long way.

May 2, 2017
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I’ve had some good news today that I REALLY needed to hear, so I had a nice, strong drink to “celebrate”… so this post is going to be short so I don’t make a fool of myself.

The good news: I finally got approved for unemployment compensation.  This was weighing on me as there were “pending issues” that could “delay or disqualify” me from getting the UC.  (Oh, yeah, here in Florida, it’s called “ReEmployment Assistance” now.)  Even though I knew there shouldn’t have been any reasons for me to not get approved (I was terminated for no doing of my own, I am not otherwise earning an income), it’s VERY stressful to see that in my account every time I checked it.

But, finally, I got the letters of approval on both the termination and remuneration issues.  (The latter was b/c I got severance pay from the shelter when I was fired, but since that’s long been used up and more than enough time has elapsed, that’s been determined not to be a factor.)

So, that’s a MAJOR weight off my shoulders.  I’ll be getting some money on a regular basis, and that means I can now apply for mortgage assistance from the Florida’s Hardest Hit program, as well as food stamps, to help me out.

Today was pretty much a wash; I didn’t get much done, but I’m okay with that.  Tomorrow, back to being productive and pro-active.  Gotta get some job applications done for the week, plus apply for the aforementioned programs.


Fighting Depression #24 – Stumble, Fall, Get up again. (Also, dieting.)

April 25, 2017
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So, I’ve been applying for jobs over the past several weeks, using LinkedIn and Indeed mostly, applying for some directly on the company’s own sites.  Still tweaking my resume, and just trying to find something interesting (if not actually fun) to do that isn’t too strenuous on my back (or if it were, part time but also paying enough that I could live off of.)

One of the jobs I applied to on Saturday called me early yesterday morning; I was out walking Smiley, so I didn’t get the call.

Oh, for those of you who aren’t in the know, this is Smiley.  She’s a senior (at least 13 years of age, probably more) pit bull that I adopted from the shelter four years ago (the last Sunday of April 2013 she went home with me.)

In fact, here’s the pic I took the day she came home with me, at the end of the work day:

IMAG0238

And here’s a recent pic of her:

april 2017 smiley

(As you can see, she’s camera shy.  And, yes, a lot more white in her face.)

But, I digress.

So, I didn’t get their call.  They texted me to inquire if I was interested in a phone interview, I said I was and was available and they called.

I thought it went well.  We discussed the job, the responsibilities, my job history, my skills and predilection to work customer service type jobs.  I was told that my resume would be passed on for review for calling people in for in-person interviews, and if I were selected, that I would receive a call by 5pm that day.

5pm came, went, no call.

It hit me hard.  I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up just because *I* thought the phone interview went well, but I did.  So, I was majorly bummed out.  In a deep funk.

Late last night, finally occurred to me why.

This is only the second interview I’ve EVER had that did not end up with me being hired.  (And my first phone interview.)  Now, granted, my memory is iffy at times, so I’m willing to concede that it might be my third that never resulted in a job… but no more than that.

I guess I interview well.

But, yeah, so I was down, but once I sorted that out in my head, was feeling a little better.  Today’s been working on other stuff, then tomorrow, back to job-search related stuff.


 

So, I’ve been going to the gym twice a week for the past several weeks.

A few days ago, I started tracking my calories again.

See, back in 2010, last time I was unemployed, I got fat.  252 pounds, the heaviest I’ve ever weighed.  (Caveat – I was 252 in March 2011.  Last time I weighed myself before that was Sep 2010, and I was like 230 pounds then.  Which I’d weighed once before, in 2000.  And in 2000, I lost 30 pounds in about 3 months while working in a high volume kitchen.  So, at the time, I felt it was no worry… but I kept gaining weight, obviously.)

Right now, I’m about 220-225.  (I only weigh myself about once a week.  Weighing myself daily doesn’t do any good.)  I’ll weigh myself either tomorrow or Thurs morning.

But, anyhow.. so, March 2011, I get on the scale, I’m 252 pounds and I freak out.  I’d been going to the gym 2-3 times a week, but doing just basic stuff.  So I got myself in to the gym, talked to a personal trainer, came up with a program, was working out 4 times a week, sometimes 5.

And started counting calories.  Not really cutting out anything, just cutting back on the heavier calorie foods.

Which is what I’ve been doing (mostly; yesterday, feeling bad, kinda didn’t.  Oh, yeah, I’m an emotional eater.  Happy, sad, stressed, wired, depressed, euphoric, don’t matter, I eat.)

Anywho… using FatSecret (website and app) to track things, we’ll see how it goes.


 

Welp, that’s it for now.  As always, thanks for reading along.


Fighting Depression #23 – Tackling things one by one

April 21, 2017
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I get overwhelmed so easily.  And once I do, there’s really not much chance of me being useful until I ‘calm down’, for lack of a better term.

Tackling issues, one at a time, is the best way to avoid (and possibly get through) that.  I need to keep things simple.  Stop stressing over unemployment (there’s a couple ‘issues’ according to the system, but I’m supposed to follow procedure in the meantime.  I just DO NOT deal with uncertainties like that well.  At all.  Never have.)

So, I’m going back to making a list.  Every day, I’m going to make a list.  Put stuff to do THAT DAY on it.  Allow myself to not get them all done, but to have a list and to use that to: a) help me remember what it is I need to get done.  I am still VERY much having memory issues.  (Been happening for years, gotten worse over the past couple years.  I’m of the opinion it’s stress/depression related.), and b) to be able to look back and see what I’ve done, so if I’m beating myself up (I know, that NEVER happens…. o.0)  I can look at the list and say, “Dummy,” and yes, read that in Eli Drake’s voice, “you’ve gotten stuff done today, see?”

(If you’re wondering who Eli Drake is and why I chose him, check out this short video.)


 

So, a couple days ago, I posted a list of DVDs and Blu Rays for sale, hoping to generate some cash to help pay bills, help with groceries.

In the past three days, I’ve made (including $91 which is pending via a check-through-Paypal) approximately $200.  The first $100ish went to groceries and a utility bill.  The $91 (which should clear early/mid next week) will pay my power bill for the month, so, yay!  Many thanks to Monica, Susan, Bryan and Andrew for buying stuff, and many thanks to everyone who’s help spread the word.

I’ll be posting a 2nd “Online Yard Sale” post either tomorrow or (most likely) Sunday, with some gaming related items – board games, role-playing games, maybe even video game stuff.  Stay tuned.

As always, I thank you for reading along.  If you’re inclined to share my Online Yard Sale posts, that’d be super-grand.


Fighting #Depression #22 – The story of 2017

April 18, 2017
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This isn’t really a depression post, at least not overtly.

This is the story that more than a couple have voiced wonder at.  And, for many of you, this will be all new.

Story time!

For most of the past 12+ years, I’d been employed at The West Volusia Humane Society, a no-kill 501(c)3 non-profit animal shelter in DeLand, FL.  I started in November 2003, as a volunteer, attedning off-site adoption events at PetSmart on Sundays.  The girl I was dating, Heather, was a volunteer and it was through her that I got involved.

After getting in trouble for driving on a suspended license,  I plead out, got 18 months probation with 50 hours of community service.  I decided to perform those hours at the shelter proper.

I impressed the executive director of the shelter so much, she hired me on.  I started part time, and about a year later, was a full time employee.  I even got in MORE trouble, trying to get to work on Sunday (my usual ride wasn’t able to help out and there’s no bus service on Sundays, so I took my chances driving, and that didn’t work out so well), ended up on stricter probation terms.

I became involved with many aspects of the shelter, not just cleaning and taking care of the animals and answering the phone and greeting people and the like.  I got involved with the adoption team.  I became involved in the office duties.  I streamlined and fine-tuned a lot of things, creating a filing system that wasn’t stuck in the 1980s.

Things continued apace, until May of 2010.  Due to the recession, money donations were drastically down and the shelter was no longer able to pay us our full paychecks.  (Hell, they still owe me money from that.)

So, I talked to my executive director and we agreed it would be best for the shelter to lay me off, so I could collect unemployment and pay some bills.  Y’know, like mortgage.  Keeping the house, that’s important.

I volunteered several days a week at the shelter through the end of August 2010, but then needed to stop, as I was busy making money to pay bills.  Between selling things on eBay and Amazon and doing some independent contractor work and such, I was able to make due, but couldn’t afford to give up a couple days a week not making money, to ride the bus out to the shelter, volunteer, and ride back.  (Even if I went for a couple hours, we’re still taking a good 5-6 hours I was gone including bus rides.)

In April 2011, I got a car (my mother’s; she passed away in December 2010 and my brother drove it down from Maine when the family came down to bury her next to our father.)  I started volunteering at the shelter on Sundays.

June 2011, I was hired back to the shelter part time.  Originally two days a week, but I talked to the executive director, asking her for one more day a week, so I could stop wasting time trying to still collect unemployment (at the time, you had to call in any hours you worked during the week, so they could subtract your earnings from the unemployment payout.  Calling in pretty much took an entire day, no hyperbole.)

So, I worked and kept selling things and making money in whatever way I could find.  By the end of 2011, I was getting four days a week, and by mid 2012, I was full time again.  Way more involved with things this time; having a car, I could run errands for the shelter, taking animals to the vet, performing home visits as part of the adoption process when needed, representing the shelter at off-site events and more.

For the last several years, I’d been the ENTIRETY OF THE ADOPTION TEAM.  The shelter only had two employess for a while, and then in 2015, a third.  But I was still doing all the adoption work – processing paperwork, doing home visits, taking animals for vet checks, whatever.  All me.  (The director was becoming less involved on a regular basis due to her dealing with health issues.  I’d do all the work and then call her and get final approval.  She pretty much went with my feelings, if I thought it was good, they got adopted, if not, they didn’t.)

Additionally, whenever there was extra work, I was the one.  Whenever there was a storm (and this goes back to the first stretch at the shelter, even when I didn’t have a car), and someone needed to spend the night at the shelter, it was me.  October 2016, during Hurricane Matthew, I was the one there to make sure everything was ok, that the shelter and animals were safe.

In 2015, I asked for a raise over my coworkers, as I had WAY more responsibilities.  I got a $0.50/hr raise, which I was grateful for.  I know I was worth more than that, but hey, take what you can get.

Late last year, the executive director decided to reitre.  Effective Jan 1, 2017, we had a new Facility Manager.  Everyone got a $0.25/hr raise (popping me up to a grand $9.05/hr.)

Things were changing, and not always in ways that I agreed with, but I wasn’t a problem.  I’d enter in a discourse with the new manager, and we’d talk things, and things were good.

Then, January 10th, during my ‘weekend’, I got a phone call from my manager.  He was calling me “off the record”, as he wasn’t supposed to be letting me know (but felt it was the right thing to do, instead of letting me come in to work the next day to find out that way), but the Board of Directors decided to terminate my employment.  I asked him why, and he said he didn’t know, and I believe him.  He told me not to come in for work, but to come in on Thursday, so I could pick up my final paycheck and severance check, and collect any items of mine at the shelter.  (It wasn’t that I wasn’t welcome, an as far I know and have heard, I am still welcome there, just not as an employee… but he felt it would avoid any discomfort, me coming in to collect things during a work day.)

He said there would be a letter from the Board of Directors regarding my termination.

There was.  It didn’t answer any fucking questions.

Wanna see it?

termination letter text

Oh, yeah, almost forgot.  When he called me, he said that I would be paid through Jan 4th, the end of the previous work week.  I mentioned that I’d also worked Jan 6-8th and needed to be compensated for that.  (So the letter above, dated Jan 9th, was revised after the fact to address those days.)

So, for everyone wondering WHY I got fired, what the story was… I don’t know.  I have a couple speculations, but they just don’t make much sense, and I’m not going to divulge them here.

As you can surmise (and some of you have seen, either through my Fighting Depression series, or knowing me on social media), this has hit me hard.  I’ve been fighting depression for years, if not most of my life, but this event has just really gutted me.

Working at the shelter, working with the animals gave me a sense of purpose that I’ve never had anywhere else.  Certainly not at any job.  I’ve had jobs I’ve really enjoyed (Asst Manager at a Waldenbooks in the 1990s, for one), but nothing like this.  Caring for the animals, helping them, rehabilitating those that needed it, helping them find new homes.  It was the best.

(I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t have expected better, that no job is obligated to treat you any better, but still… when someone busts their ass and sweats, cries and bleeds for you, you don’t fuck them over like this.)

Thursday, Jan 12th, after picking up my checks/possessions and coming home, I took this pic, posted it on social media with a caption to the effect of “This is what heartbreak looks like.”

011217 hearbreakAnd, yes, that’s a little on the melodramatic side, but it’s true.  These were the things I had at the shelter, that I kept there on an ongoing basis.  Clockwise, from upper left: laundry basket and laundry soap (I didn’t have my own washer/dryer but we were allowed to use the shelter’s for personal laundry, as long as shelter laundry was caught up), blue bag with Keurig coffee maker for cold mornings and staying overnights, rubber boots for cleaning, gym bag with change of clothes (shirts/socks/underwear for sweaty days, spare clothing for overnights/as needed), box with cooking implements (frying pan, oil, utensils, dishware) for meals/eating.

So, anyhow, I’ve gone on (and on and on) enough here.  Probably lost most of the readers by now.  Those who stuck it out, I appreciate it, I just wanted to lay out, to the best of my ability, why I’m so gutted this year.

Tonight, I’ll be posting a list of dvds/blu rays I’m looking to sell for money to help catch up on some bills.


Fighting Depression #21 – A week gone by…

April 15, 2017
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…and I feel like I don’t have much to show for it.  But, really, I’ve gotten a few things done.

  • I (finally, yes) applied for “ReEmployment Assistance” (Unemployment).  It was a VERY stressful experience, but I got it done.  Pretty much waiting now, but I have to start with the applying to five places a week and logging that process in the meanwhile.
  • Worked on my resume (still need to tweak it and reduce it for a one to turn in to places in person for when I apply.)
  • Went to the gym for the first time in a couple weeks on Thursday, so I’m feeling it today.
  • Did some yardwork – mowed the front lawn, cut down some branches/small trees and put them out for yard trash pick up.  That’s always a good feeling of accomplishment to see a big pile of debris set out for pick up, knowing that I did that.
  • Been going through my games, DVD/Blu Rays, books to find stuff to list on eBay/Amazon and otherwise sell to generate cash to pay some bills as I’m falling VERY behind on things/will need money to supplement the RA funds until I get a job.  I’m really stressed about this, but will be posting listings this weekend.  (There will be an upcoming post linking to them when they’re live.)
  • Also been working on a post about my firing.  I know several people have voiced curiosity about why I got fired.  The short answer is that I don’t know.  I’ll probably post it late this weekend or early in the week.

Also, this happened yesterday:

041417 no more mohawk

What’s that?  Why, it’s the hair from my back, of course.

No, just kidding.  It was my mohawk.  The ‘hawk is gone.  Not exactly the most conducive hairstyle when looking for a job.  I’m not especially upset over it, as I was most likely going to shave it off in early Summer before I got nasty hot this year.  I’d been rocking the ‘hawk since April 2013 (with a period from Nov ’14-Spring ’15 without), so I was getting ready for a change.  Think I’ll keep it shaved for the Summer, at the least.

That’s it for now; I’ve got things I need to get done today (take Smiley for a walk, breakfast, apply for jobs online, more work on listing stuff to sell, housework.)

As always, thanks for reading.


Fighting Depression #20 – Plummeting down

April 7, 2017
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This shouldn’t have surprised me, and I guess it’s only the depth/intensity of it that did… after the AMAZING weekend, the darkness welled up inside me again and I’ve spent the past several days being completely unproductive.

I didn’t shower yesterday… which, again, is a pretty good sign that I’m down in the funk.  I haven’t vacuumed all week, again, another sign.  (Going to do that as soon as I finish this post.)

Haven’t filed for unemployment (working on that this weekend.)  Haven’t listed anything on eBay or Amazon to sell (need to start that too.  Need money, bad.)

The worst part is, I sit there and know I need to do stuff.  I know it.  And I just… don’t.

Feeling a little better today.  Gonna do some housework, might even go mow the lawn.  (In a lot of pain today, so we’ll see – housework is a bigger priority for my mental health.)  Today is a cool day, which is helping my spirits (I’m VERY much affected by the weather, but I’m the opposite of those who get the Winter Blues – hot days are miserable to me, physically AND emotionally/mentally.)

It’s a vicious cycle.  I get unproductive, don’t do what I should be doing, and I start to beat myself up for it and it just makes things worse inside my head… the compounding interest of depression and self-recrimination is a motherfucker.

Okay, enough whining.  I need to vacuum the carpet and make breakfast.  (Oh, yeah, I didn’t get up until 11:30am, because, even though I was in bed/lights out by 2:45am, I tossed and turned for over and hour and then I was awake again at 5am, 6:20am, 8something, 10something and finally 11:30amish, which I dragged my ass out of bed.

As always, thanks for reading.  I can’t imagine this is fun.


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