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Hunchbacks and Lovebugs | October 1, 2010

So, today on the bus, in the midst of Chuck Barris’ autobio, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, I burst out laughing reading the following:

(Set up – during the first 13 week run of THE DATING GAME, Barris is interrupted by lawyers from ABC, taking all his files and footage, because a woman wrote a letter to one of the VPs at ABC, claiming that the show was a sham, because one of the contestants was her husband. After doing some minimal research, Barris discovers that they are legally divorced and the woman’s elevator doesn’t go to the top floor.)

I fired off a two-page telegram to the goddamn network vice-president. It was an emotional telegram, and perhaps I should have thought twice before sending it. Somewhere within it was the following: “It’s as if some demented lady sent you a letter insisting that all of the bachelors on THE DATING GAME were hunchbacks, that ‘normal’ people were not allowed on the show, and that the program was unfair to ‘normal’ people and should be taken off the air. And as a result of her puerile letter, you IMMEDIATELY had our files and tapes confiscated before even a cursory investigation was conducted to see if, in fact, the dim-wit’s allegations were true. The hypothetical imputation that we program hunchbacked bachelors exclusively makes about as much sense as the lady’s absurd declaration that we recruit married men. A married man on THE DATING GAME is about as beneficial as a hunchback on THE DATING GAME!”

To this day, I cannot for the life of me understand why I used hunchbacks as an example. It was the worst possible choice I could have made. Mr. Sylvan Siegel, the vice-president in question at the American Broadcasting Company’s television network, was a hunchback.

That’s fucking hilarious.

Lovebug season is amongst us. They’re everywhere. I went to Publix to get some groceries and dinner, and had to sweep the outside table where I sat down to eat my whole Publix turkey sub on wheat bread (on sale this week for $4.99) off of lovebugs, and the ground was littered with dead ones.

’tis the season.

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