So, it’s been three days since my last post. Almost four, if you consider that I posted Sunday morning and it is now Wednesday evening.
Sunday was a lazy/recup day. Ran out to meet D (who had my backpack/cooler that I’d left in her truck on Saturday) at Publix and do some grocery shopping, then came home. Did some minor housework, but mostly took it easy, played video games and watched telly/movies.
Monday, I ran out briefly, dropped some movies off at the library, picked up a couple things at the store. More video games, telly. Though I’m not entirely sure I could tell you what I watched. Monday was the beginning of a funk.
Tuesday, the funk continued. I didn’t do anything, really. Video games, telly, ate, read books/comics… basic housework. Looking back, it’s just a blur. Oh, I watched THE BIRDS for the first time in a good twenty years. I have a love/hate relationship with Hitchcock movies, this is one I love more than I hate. (Not that I love it, but it was pretty good.)
Today was better. I showered for the first time since Sunday. (Yeah, I know, that’s not good. Not that I got filthy or anything, but still…) Today was a rain event, so I stayed home. Took Smiley out in the rain a couple times (she really dislikes the rain, so you know she HAD to go), did laundry, worked on some signs for the parking/fundraiser (more on that later), watched a few episodes of season 6 of THE WALKING DEAD on Netflix.
Here’s a screen grab from the local weather radar from earlier today. You can see why going out wasn’t actually that enticing of an idea:
So, tomorrow, I’m going to be helping D with the fundraiser/parking for the races again, like I did on Saturday. I printed up some signs, showcasing the charities we’re supporting through it. Couple signs with pictures of animals who’ve been adopted from the shelter, and then a sign with the logos from the other organisations.
I’ve mixed feelings about tomorrow; I’m looking forward to it, but stupid depression (or perhaps anxiety, or whatever) has me not looking forward to it at the same time. But, I’m going. I already spoke to D this morning, to confirm the timing for meeting her tomorrow. I’m committed to several days, and I know this is good for me, to get out and do stuff.
As always, thank you for reading along.
So, yesterday was a big day. I mean, nothing “special”, at least not monumental, but still.
Did some housework, played some No Man’s Sky, watched some telly. Ran to the library, returned movies, picked up movies.
Got ready for Saturday. Physically (planned what to take in a cooler for snacking, put back brace and knee brace and some pills and a poncho and a windbreaker in my backpack) and mentally (again, kinda big step, so was rather nerve-wracking.)
Went to bed a little early for me, tossed and turned, finally was asleep by 2am.
Got up at 8:30am, showered, dressed, walked Smiley. I was leaving at 10:30am, and I knew it would be 6:30-7pm before I got home, so she would be stuck indoors all day.
Had a morning coffee, and had planned to eat breakfast, but was too nervous to handle that. Even went through the motions of throwing up a couple times (hugging the toilet, retching violently, but nothing came up), b/c that’s how I roll.
Yay, depression (and, yes, likely other issues.)
Time came to get ready to go, gave Smiley and kitties some treats, took some pills and headed out. Swung by library to drop off a movie, then headed out to D’s property to leave me car there and ride with her out to Daytona.
(Recap: D is a volunteer at the shelter I used to work at, known her from there for almost six years. Past four years, she’s been running a fundraising effort at her work, using their parking lots to provide parking for the race fans during Speedweeks in February, and the summer races round the 4th of July. They charge $10 a day for parking, $20 if people want overnight or to reserve a spot, and the money gets donated to four charities – The West Volusia Humane Society, The Salvation Army, Daytona Rescue Mission and Guiding Eyes for the Blind. I called her Monday to see if she needed any helpers, since I knew from previous years she always needed help, and she said yes. Saturday was the first day.)
Got to her place, we headed out to Daytona.
It was fun. I met a couple of her friends, we talked a lot (this was first actual social occasion I’ve had in five weeks-plus, outside of signing up at the new gym in Deltona and talking to people at stores while shopping/checking out, and of course, online), interacted with the public.
The day was a little slow; the weather reports had been ominous about rain (everything’s so melodramatic in the news any more, even chance of rain is WATCH OUT FOR THE RAIN!!!!!!!11!!!!!11!1!1!1!!!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!JUAN!!!!!UNO!!!!!ICH!!!!!), and this wasn’t one of the BIG DAYS (those are going to be Thurs, Sun and possibly Saturday coming up, all three of which I’ve already committed to helping out with.) But, D wanted me out there on a slower day to get a feel for things, see the set up, etc.
It didn’t rain, it spit a few times, it sprinkled once or twice. We got there about 11:30am, left at 5:45ish. Drove back to her place, I made a point to say hello to Bunny, my former coworker (she still works at the shelter) who rents an apartment from D on the property, and then went home to walk and feed Smiley.
Rest of the night was uneventful, made pizza and tater tots for dinner, watched a movie, read a litle, went to bed.
Today, I’m a little achy from all the standing and moving around I did yesterday, bit more than I have done since being unemployed. Gonna meet up with D when she goes out to get groceries, as I left my backpack and cooler in her truck, grab some groceries myself, and then back home to do some stuff around the house and otherwise chill.
So, fighting depression has always been about peaks and valleys, for me. Past couple days, definitely valleys.
Monday, as I detailed in my last post, I made a fairly big step… now, I know it may not seem like much, calling someone and making plans, but it was for me. (It’s weird, seeing how I’ve changed b/c of my depression. I wasn’t like this before… and I’m not like this when things are ‘better’, to be honest. I mean… I’ve been in riots. I’ve literally fought for my life… but something as simple as a phone call can be so paralyzing.)
Anyhow, so… bringing you up to speed.
Tuesday, I got ARRIVAL as a free rental (well, used a credit earned, 1 every 10 rentals) from Redbox (it was good, not as great as others seemed to make it out to be, liked the twisty-twist. Aliens were cool, but fairly unimportant to the actual story, were more plot devices.)
And, other than some minor housework (I vacuumed!), all I pretty much did was play NO MAN’S SKY and dinker about on the internet and watch tv and such. Mostly play No Man’s Sky.
Wednesday was a little more productive, but not by much. I ran out and dropped off the movies from the other day. (Oh, yeah, THE CALLING, which was enjoyable. I like Susan Sarandon, so there’s that. And GREYSTOKE: THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, which I haven’t seen in a good twenty years. I think it’s probably my favourite Tarzan movie, because it focuses on the man and how he interacted with society… or his inability to do so.)
Did some more laundry, did some basic housework. Um… ate food… took Smiley for walks. Watched WCPW True Destiny, which I really enjoyed.
Today, planning to stay home, have a couple projects in mind. Have a plan to limit my gaming, setting an alarm for 30 minutes at a time. Don’t need to spend 6+ hours a day on one game and getting nothing done at all. (Hey, I’m allowed to game, but for practical and mental health reasons, I need to make myself stick to things.)
Pain’s been an issue the last couple days, bit more than recently. Suspect it’s mental as well as physical in nature.
Anyhow, it’s 1pm and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet, so I’m off to do that and be productive for a bit.
As always, thanks for reading.
So, took a step today, one that I’d been planning on for days, and been putting off b/c, well, depression.
Called D, a volunteer at the shelter (that I used to work at and got fired for no apparent reason), to find out if she needed assistance parking cars for the Speedweeks in Daytona.
The company she works at (and is an executive of some sort, been working there for 30+ years) is pretty much across the street from the Daytona Speedway. Her company takes time off for a good chunk of the Speedweeks (as many business in the area do that don’t rely on the tourism) and they use the parking lots there to charge for parking for the race fans and generate money for a handful of charities. (I know many businesses in the area do use their parking lots to provide parking-for-pay to the race fans, but I don’t know if many of them donate the money or not.)
So, called her this morning, knowing she’d be unlikely to answer as she was at work, and left a voicemail on her phone, saying I was calling to touch base since we hadn’t spoken since I was fired, as well as to inquire whether she needed assistance for the car parking.
She called back today, to confirm that she did, and she’d be more than happy to have me help them, and we went over the days (there’s five total they do this, she thinks they’ll need me for at least three of the five, if not more.) Four days next week (Thurs-Sun) and this coming Saturday.
So, plans are made, I’ll be meeting her at her place and then riding over with her, saving me the gas.
This will be the first ‘social’ thing I’ve done since getting fired, outside of going to the shelter to get my personal possessions, get my last paycheck/severance pay, and drop off some paperwork of the shelter’s and other stuff I had at home. (That’ll be five weeks on Thursday.)
Other than that, my only real social interaction has been talking to people at stores I go to, talking to the people when I signed up at the gym, and online interactions.
But, this will be a good thing. I’m feeling a bit anxious about it, but I’ve committed to Saturday and told her I’m available for as many days as they need me.
Other than that, I ran to the library, dropped off a couple movies, picked up a couple more. Took items I was returning to Amazon to the post office. Did laundry. Played video games, watched tv, walked my dog, did some minor housework.
Dinner was yummy: vegetable/tri-colour rotini, meatballs, spinach florentine red sauce, garlic bread. It was pretty, see?
Two days gone by; yesterday (Sat, Feb 12th) I didn’t do a whole lot, was still dealing with a lot of back pain, so kinda took it easy.
Accomplished two things, mildly of note: went grocery shopping and did laundry.
Other than that… I managed to shower, watch some tv and wrestling… and ate meals. (I’m not one of those people who has to worry about not eating at all. Sometimes I get too busy and forget a meal… VERY occasionally, I forget to eat b/c of depression, but that’s rare… and then I always make up for it.) Oh, and I changed the sheets on my bed.
I do forget to shower sometimes, so I’m trying to make a point about not doing so.
Today (well, technically yesterday as I write this, as we just passed midnight), I stayed home, did some more laundry, including washing the sheets from yesterday. Ate some good food (dinner was really awesome, in fact I’ll show you.)
Baked potato, rolled in extra virgin olive oil and sea salt, then baked in oven. Topped with sour cream and mushrooms and onions (see below.)
Salad (mixed green leafy, tomato, red onion, white mushrooms) topped with Ken’s Lite Apple Cider Vinaigrette (that stuff is SO good.)
Dark ‘n Stormy, made with The Kraken Rum (2 shots) and Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew (12 oz.) in a frosted mug. (And, yes, I’m aware that alcohol and depression aren’t the best combination, but I don’t drink to excess hardly ever, and am budgeting my drinks b/c of both depression and monetary budgeting.)
This boy can cook, y’all… but occasionally I impress myself, and this was one such occasion.
(Mushrooms and onions sitting in Worcestershire sauce, brought to a boil, then reduce heat to minimum to simmer while grilling steak.)
Watched some ‘rassling, including a very good WWE Elimination Chamber. Think I’ll post a weekly short-review of each event I watch for those who love the graps.
So, a decent two days, not terribly productive, but staying mostly okay in my head.
Woke up this morning, hurting from the previous two days’ activity, but in a good mood. It was in the 40s during the night, and I always sleep better/rest better when it’s cool outside.
Knew today was going to be a fairly lax day, again because of the state of my back. (For those new, I have scoliosis, and regularly deal with back issues as a result.)
So, I made myself a short little list of things to do:
Short and sweet, right? No problem to bang all this out, right?
That list was generated, oh, about 11am. (Yeah, I actually was up and out of bed by 10:15am!)
It’s 9:35pm, and here’s the updated list…
Yeah, the library/water run was done first thing, and I was home about 12:30pm. (Picked up a handful of movies at the library.)
Laundry didn’t happen because I was waiting on the drying rack to be delivered… which got here about 7pm. That’s okay, it’ll happen tomorrow.
I’m actually in the process of organising my desks while I watch WWN STYLE BATTLE S1E2 on FloSlam. Grocery list was done throughout the day, adding stuff as I thought of it. Gotta return an item to Amazon (defective) and need to box it up and all today so I can drop it off at post office tomorrow during the grocery run.
Watched the final two episodes of season one of ONCE UPON A TIME. I really dug how it ended. There were a couple predictable/obvious events and a couple not so much. REALLY curious to see where season two goes.
So, today wasn’t a super-duper-productive day like the previous two, which I wasn’t expecting in the first place.
(This is post #5 of the ongoing FIGHTING DEPRESSION series. Thanks for reading.)
By now I would’ve normally posted #4, covering yesterday (Feb 8th). That was my plan. I got up about 11am (well, got up shortly after 8am, maybe 5 hours of sleep, starving. Ate something and went back to bed.) After taking Smiley for a walk, I brewed a cup of coffee and sat down to load up something to stream/watch (probably S1E21 of Once Upon a Time), only to discover my internet was misbehaving.
After tinkering with it, to no avail, I called Spectrum (they’ll always be Bright House to me, especially since they still have BH logos on their trucks) and they told me that they could get a guy out between 4-6pm.
I’d planned on a relatively lax day, because of yesterday. So, let me backtrack and tell you about yesterday.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I got up about 10:30am, had a nice breakfast and coffee (without internet issues) and took Smiley for a walk, and then I set about being productive. I bundled up two large stacks of branches and collected two 39 gallon/lawn & leaf bags of small yard debris.
This, of course, was quite taxing on my back. Once that was done, I took a shower and had lunch, and then my portable clothes washer was delivered, so I started doing some laundry! (Yeah, I know, but this is exciting to me.)
Rest of the day was watching tv, movie (Adventures of Robin Hood, which I hadn’t seen in years. Still love it), playing video games and doing laundry. Oh, yeah, dinner (thawed out some of my homemade venison chili, cooked up some mac n cheese and mixed it together) and taking Smiley for walks.
So, today, I wake up in a good deal of pain, figuring it’s going to be a lazy-ish day to recuperate.
No. Because of the Spectrum guy coming over to address my internet issues, I have to clean the living room. It’s a fucking mess. I really wish I’d taken a before pic and an after, because, my god, it looks ten times better. First off, I’d not vacuumed the carpet in WEEKS.
So, I vacuumed the fuck out of that carpet. I moved things, organised, stacked things. The living room is OPEN now. The cats are laying the center of the floor, saying, “Yeah, you need to keep it this way.”
And my back doesn’t feel horrible, either… so I’m grateful for that.
Tomorrow, I need to run to the library; have to return some movies and pick up two movies I have on reservation. Some more laundry (having the smaller units, it takes a lot longer to do laundry, and it’d been several weeks since I’d been to the laundromat.)
Thanks to those of you who are reading along. This is post #4 of the Fighting Depression series of posts, something I’m doing to help account/keep track of how I’m doing from day to day, and hopefully share my journey.
Accounting for yesterday, Feb 7th:
Really didn’t do so well yesterday. Got out of the house, briefly (and by “out of the house”, I mean, left the property in my car. Every day, I leave the house, I even leave my property multiple times to take Smiley for a walk – she’s an old girl and doesn’t go far, but we go around the corner, down a block, and back, most times, so she can sniff some smells, do her business, roll in the grass, stuff like that.) to return the Redbox movie and swing by the library to drop off a book and two movies and pick up two more movies.
Quick movie reviews:
Edge of Winter was good, but as I believe I said previously, the preview that I’d seen really gave away too much, so watching the movie, I’d already known all the big plot points and the rest wasn’t hard to suss out.
Barbershop: The Next Cut. I couldn’t stick this one out. I really enjoyed the previous Barbershop movies, but this one… I appreciated the story behind it, the acting was fine, the characters were decent – I think it was more I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it.
Wow, I can’t even remember the other movie. That’s my depression kicking in, fucking with my memory. FUCK.
Anyhow… um, so yeah, I did get out.
I didn’t do any real housework, other than staying on top of my dishes for the day.
Food wise… breakfast was fried egg/cheese/bacon sammiches; finished off the last slice of pizza from Monster Pizza for lunch; dinner was a chicken patty and cheese on toasted onion bun… and then later I got hungry again, so had a hard boiled egg and cheese sammich.
Played ABZU and completed it. Very fun game, very beautiful game, but awfully short.
Today, Wednesday, I have a couple shipments arriving. Most excitably, my tickets for the WWN LIVE “More Than Mania” shows for Wrestlemania weekend. I bought these last year (August, I think) as a birthday present to myself (cuz I didn’t get any from anyone else, how sad is that…) 9 shows in three days. I need to come up with some extra spending cash before then, so I can hopefully buy at least a couple shirts each day… but I’m really excited about the shows, and think I’ll make an event-specific post talking about them and that soon.
The other item that’s being delivered, and less “exciting”, but I’m also psyched for, is a portable clothes washer. This way, I can do my laundry at home and not have to go to the laundromat. Once that gets here, I’ll be using that for the rest of the day. (The dryer came on Sunday, so I hand-washed a load of essentials, to get me through today, and used it to dry them. It’s silly how exciting this is to me.)
Enough rambling for now. Thanks for reading along. Please feel free to comment.
(This is post three of the Fighting Depression series.)
So, yesterday… what’d I do yesterday?
Got a Redbox movie rental for $0.27, thanks to a promo code for being signed up to their text messages. (If you Redbox, it’s totally worth it. Most weeks, maybe one message. Only more on special occasions and promo codes.)
So, I got Edge of Winter with Joe Kinnaman(sp?) and Tom Holland. Pretty good movie, very atmospheric and tense… sadly the preview I saw on another disc pretty much gave away 90% of plot/twists/story, so it wasn’t as powerful as it would’ve been otherwise. I fucking hate how much essential stuff they give away in previews any more.
Had Chili dogs, salad and a dark ‘n stormy for dinner, so that was fun. Food is a big deal to me, as I’m sure anyone who follows me on social media knows. So, a fun meal like that, that’s important to my mental health.
(And, yes, I know I have to be careful about my weight, especially now that I’m four weeks into not working a physical job. I did sign up at CRUNCH DELTONA and am waiting for them to open later this month.
Ordered some canned cat and dog food off Amazon, so I now have enough for 2 months-plus. One less thing to have to worry about, so that’s a good thing.
Plans for the rest of the week: general housework (been hit-or-miss with that, yay depression), some yard work (Thurs is yard trash pick up day, so I’m going to bundle some branches and bag up some other yard debris today and tomorrow), and I’m thinking I’m going to go see DOCTOR STRANGE at the $2 Theatre. (I missed seeing it during full price run last year.) Oh, and here’s my thoughts on Doctor Strange from a few years back. I’ll let you know what I think of their approach after I see the movie.
This weekend, a couple WWN wrestling events on FloSlam will be live, so that’s always a good thing for me. Also, have a couple events of the “Secret Season” of CHIKARA to watch, and another wXw event from last week on FloSlam that I haven’t seen yet.
Been watching a fair amount of tv and movies, so that’s kinda cool, too.
Money wise, I’m doing ‘ok’. I need to get off my ass, get stuff listed on Amazon and eBay and hopefully start making some that way, too.
This post is the 2nd of the FIGHTING DEPRESSION series. You can find the first one here.
2 years, 3 months, 17 days since my last post on this blog. Yeah, I’m cool like that.
So… if you remotely pay attention to me on social media and the like, you probably have little to no idea that I fight depression. I battle it. I struggle with it.
Now, I’m self-diagnosed, so maybe it’s something slightly different, but pretty sure it’s depression. That’s neither here nor there.
Also, I got fired from my job, for no reason (at least none that they’ve bothered to tell me… and I haven’t brought myself to write a letter to the board of directors, because I doubt they’d even respond.) So… yeah, past few weeks, depression has been real ugly.
I’m going to start posting… daily? Every couple days? I dunno, something like that, about my depression. Mainly, what I’m doing to fight it. I’m going to do this, to put it out there, to hold myself accountable… and to have a record, where I can look and see for myself.
Y’all are welcome to come along for the ride.
So, with that in mind, today, Sunday the 5th of February, I did the following:
I set up the clothes dryer that got delivered.
I went to the library and checked out three movies and two books.
Took Smiley (my pit bull) for several walks throughout the day.
I washed my car, for the first time in… I’m not even sure. More than a year, I’m thinking. Certainly AT LEAST a good 9-10 months. I’m thinking closer to 18 months? I honestly have no idea.
And I posted to my blog for the first time in 840 days.
All in all, not a bad day, right?